


The Letter

by celtic_sakura



Series: The Letter [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-25
Updated: 2011-09-25
Packaged: 2017-10-24 00:47:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/256986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celtic_sakura/pseuds/celtic_sakura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi is drunk.  After a late night of binge drinking, he comes home to find a letter. He needs to wake up or he can die....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awake

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for an lj community contest. http://kakasaku.livejournal.com/763947.html
> 
> Everyone who loves Kakashi is probably hating me right now, but I don't care... I kinda hate myself for making him do what he did in this... It was really hard to write this, I actually had to cut a few things because I just couldn't stomach writing it. Drug and alcohol addiction is a real disease. Thousands of people suffer from it. And a lot of those people go without help. A lucky few survive it long enough to get clean, while others aren't so lucky....

Part One: Awake

The room was spinning, the floor felt uneven. Everything was dark. Something was wrong, but that didn’t seem to faze the stumbling man as he staggered into the dark apartment.

Kakashi looked around with his haze-filled eye. “S’krah,” he slurred, “Where are you?” He was completely trashed. He hadn’t been that drunk in a while. He had gotten a little carried away (again) at the bar. Her absence irritated his already aggravated mind. Whenever he lost control and got drunk, he would always get really mad and black out. There had been times when he had lost whole days.

He cursed as his foot connected with the end table in the living room. Fuck furniture! Why do we even need this? Where’s Sakura?

Stumbling to the dining room, Kakashi’s shoulder slammed against the entry way, his other half swinging forward from the momentum. The silver-haired Jounin used this action to swing up his arm and slap the light switch, effectively turning on the lights. His eyes burned at the sudden change. Squinting, Kakashi’s lone visible eye locked onto an item on the table.

A piece of paper was neatly folded where Kakashi would normally sit at the dining room table. He snatched the paper and unfolded it, ignoring the little metal object falling from the folds and clinking against the surface of the table.

It was a letter. Kakashi frowned. Why would she write a letter?

“Kakashi, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t take the beating, the yelling, the fighting…. I am so tired of the late night phone calls and the constant worrying.

“I worry enough as it is when you go on missions. I don’t need to worry when you’re home-”

Kakashi started to shake slightly. His alcohol-fogged mind started to clear ever so slightly with each word that he read. “This has to be a joke,” he muttered. “I need another drink….”

“I had to miss almost a month of work while you were on your last mission. Do you remember why? Of course not. Here, let me jog your memory: you were drunk. Again. And we started fighting. Again.”

Kakashi closed his eyes. He really didn’t remember.

“Well, one thing led to another, and I was thrown through the wall of the living room. Don’t worry, though, the dining room table broke my fall. I broke three ribs.”

Flashes of what seemed like a movie slowly began to wash over him. Sakura had gotten home late from the hospital. The dinner that he insisted that she make was not finished by the time he had gotten back from the bar.

“I’m sorry,” she said, annoyed. “It takes time to cook food. Unless you want your beef and rice raw….”

That, apparently, had been a mistake. Kakashi appeared in the next second at her shoulder. Yanking her arm, he jerked her around to face him. Sake vapors oozed past his mask covered lips and wafted sickeningly over Sakura. Her eyes burned from the stench.

Without a word, he grabbed her throat and tossed her to the ground. He bent down and grabbed a fistful of pink hair and dragged her out of the kitchen and down the hall.

Sakura struggled all the way, her finger nails digging in to the skin of his wrist. She screamed for him to let her go….

Kakashi wished this little flashback would end. He walked out of the dining room and to the living room, turning on the lights as he entered. He looked around. Little bits of memory came flooding back. He looked behind him to the wall connected to the dining room. There. New dry wall. They hadn’t even finished with the repairs….

Sakura screamed as her body crashed into the wall, her face contorted in pain. Her body crumbling with the wall as she slammed so hard against the dining room table that she bounced.

Kakashi scooped up a bottle of sake that was laying on the couch and stumbled over to the wall. Taking a swig of the rice wine he muttered “Bitch….” Before he passed out….

Drops of water hit the paper. Kakashi wiped his eye with the back of his had as he looked back at the letter, continuing to read.

“I had to lie to Tsunade so she wouldn’t get worried. I had to lie to my boss, my mentor, the fucking Hokage. Just to save myself from embarrassment and to save your drunk ass from getting murdered.”

Kakashi could feel the venom dripping from her written words. Why was she doing this? What was going on? He didn’t even remember doing any of this. And more importantly, why could he feel? He wasn’t supposed to feel anything right now. Where was that sake bottle….

“I can’t be with a man that beats me to hell and back at least once a week. You should feel lucky that I’m a med-nin. I can at least fix the physical injuries that you bestow upon me.”

That explains why he never saw a bruise, and why the next morning after he had been drinking she’d avoid him at all costs.

Kakashi shook his head. He really had no idea that he had been doing this. He did know, however, that he needed a drink. The effects of the alcohol were wearing off. He didn’t want to feel this anymore. He didn’t want to feel the guilt. Crumbling up the letter, he shoved it in his pants pocket and started to search.

He tore up the apartment looking for anything with alcohol in it. All he could find were empty bottles of sake, cooking extracts, even mouth wash. Sweat started to form all over his body. He became damp with it. His body started to tremble with need. His mind began to race.

Come on! There has to be something in this stupid apartment with alcohol in it!

He looked everywhere. Even the medicine cabinet. Everything was missing. Even the cold medicine was gone.

“Fucking bitch!” Kakashi howled, ripping the door off the cabinet and smashing it against the sink, the wall, the bathtub.

Kakashi took the crumbled piece of paper out of his pocket and opened it. Cuts from the broken cabinet door smeared blood on the paper. He ignored the cuts and the blood, and continued to read. He had to finish this letter. He had to know what was going on. The cuts could wait.

“You mean the world to me, Kakashi. I love you with all of my heart, but I can’t be with you like this. I can’t be with someone that hurts me whenever that damn drink touches his lips.

“What happened? You weren’t like this when we started dating. Not even after we eloped. Why did you let things get out of control?”

Tears hit the paper, smearing the ink. In almost a whisper, Kakashi said, “Because it makes the pain go away….”

“I can’t be with you unless you get help. And even then, I’m not sure I can ever forgive you. You’re not the person I fell in love with. And if you do get better, you’ll have to regain that trust that I had for you.

“I know you can’t force someone to do anything they don’t want to do. You have to want to get better. I hope that by me leaving, you’ll want to get better.

“I love you. Please, get better. For us.”

Screaming, Kakashi threw the letter to the side and in a blur of movement, wrecked havoc on the furniture, walls, doors, anything that was breakable. Screams and curses punctuated the shattering of glass and the crack of splintering wood.

Within minutes, the whole apartment lay in ruins. Nothing was left untouched. The silver-haired Jounin sat in the middle of the rubble, shoulders slumped in defeat, chest heaving as he caught his breath.

“A lot of good that did…” he muttered, looking around at the wreckage.

The sun started to come up. Its bright rays washing over the earth as it brought on a new day. As the sun rose, and its light began to seep in to the apartment, a flicker of light glittered from the wall in front of Kakashi.

Frowning, he shakily got to his feet and walked slowly to the wall, his eye narrowing as he concentrated on the spot. With a shaking hand, he ran the pads of his fingers over the surface, stopping at a cold, metallic object that was stuck in the dry wall. Yanking the metal object out, everything around him stopped as he looked at a little circle of rose gold between his fingers.

Everything went numb. All noise disappeared. His shaking ceased.

It was her ring. The ring that he had saved every bit of money for three years to buy. The ring she had worn on her left hand for almost a year.

He couldn’t stop the flood of tears that came next even if he had tried. They overpowered his exhausted body.

“I guess it wasn’t a joke….”

 

Part One: Fin


	2. Reconciliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its been two years. Kakashi is clean, but no sign of Sakura. Until one fateful day. But Sakura has a reason for not wanting Kakashi to find her.... Exciting conclusion to The Letter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second part wasn't as hard to write as the first part. Although, I wanted to just have one part to this story. I felt kind of emo just leaving it where I ended part one. lol

Part Two: Reconciliation

It had been two years since that fateful day. Two years since Sakura left. From that day, Kakashi swore he would never go near that which had caused him so much pain. That had turned out to be the easy part.

Next came the trembling, the cold sweats, the mind numbing pain. It took everything he had and then some to survive the first few weeks. If the drinking didn’t kill him, the withdrawals would.

But survive he did, and slowly he started to readjust his life. He had to learn how to live without the drink. He had to teach himself how to do everything over again. From taking a shower, to missions, even to cook and clean.

Slowly, the months passed, seasons changed. He had managed to survive two years without a single drop of alcohol. After the first year, he went back to active duty with limited missions.

He learned to take out his stress with writing. Kakashi liked to think of himself as the next Jiraiya. Although, the heroine happened to have pink hair and a fiery temper. Not a day went by where he didn’t think of Sakura. He still had her ring. The one that he slammed carelessly into a wall the night that he found the letter.

Kakashi looked at it at least once a day. Every time he needed a reminder of what he had lost because of his illness. He kept the ring as a goal as well. He was going to get her back. Or at least see if she would take his apology.

The ring also calmed him. Much like the memorial stone. It let him think. Kakashi felt calmer, relaxed. He liked that he was aware of his surroundings at all times. Looking back, he knew why he drank - his lost teammates, his failures of teaching the kids that were once under his protection, injuries cause by protecting his villages. He felt like he wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t fair that he was still here, while better people were dead.

He knew now that there was no way to change the past. No way to bring back those fallen comrades and family members. The only thing he could do now was to learn from his mistakes and live his life.

He wished he could see Sakura again. She had done a very thorough job of avoiding him. He had no idea where she was, or how she was doing. Kakashi had asked around, but everyone that knew her--Ino, Naruto, Tsunade, even Hinata--refused to talk about her to him. They would all get quiet, or change the subject. A few would even go so far as to threaten him with castration if he mentioned her again.

While he agreed that the pain that he caused her was horrible and inexcusable, castration was a bit harsh. It was hard enough being cut off from her. He didn’t want to be cut off from the boys, too.

The silver-haired Jounin sighed as he walked out of his apartment and into the street. The weather was perfect for a stroll to the park a few blocks away. And, since he didn’t have anything else to do, it would be a good time to think.

His grey-black eye took in the bright sunlight, the hustle and bustle from the people on the street, shopping, going to meet people at a restaurant, going to and from work. There were a few shops that had opened up around his beat up little apartment building. Maybe he should check them out later.

That’s when Kakashi saw a flash of pink out of the corner of his eye. It stopped him in his tracks. He couldn’t stop the little flutter that awoke in his heart. It was as if his heart was coming back to life after a long hibernation.

Looking in the window of the shop, Kakashi’s onyx eye scanned the patrons of the shop. There, in the very back was the pink haired woman. It wasn’t a figment of his Sakura-filled imagination. However, he could only see the hair. Not the person’s face.

Growling in frustration, he silently urged the person to turn around. It had been such a long time since he had seen her that her hair could be styled completely different now. He wanted to be sure it was her.

Slowly, as if hearing his pleas, the person turned and looked out the window. Green eyes widened in shock as they locked on Kakashi’s masked face. Her hand clenched something at her side. He looked down and saw a little girl with silver hair and green eyes looking up at Sakura, eyes large, and filled with curiosity.

And as fast as the little girl would allow Sakura to walk without dragging her, his little cherry blossom was outside, facing him. This was it. The day he had been dreaming about for two years. The day he could either get closure, or make amends.

“Yo,” he said lamely. His lone visible eye closed, showing that he was smiling under his mask, trying to look calm. On the inside, however, he was screaming. Who was this child? It couldn’t be….

Sakura’s lips thinned as she looked him over. Her shoulders tense, her eyes scanning every detail of him. Everything looked normal….

They stood facing each other for what felt like ages. The silence was deafening. Finally, Kakashi said, “We need to talk.”

Sakura nodded.

They walked down the street, the only talking came from the girl. She would point at something that interested her and tug on Sakura’s hand and mutter something. Sakura would smile and nod and tell her what it was, or say that they could get it later.

The trio soon came across a park with a small playground in the center. Sakura told the girl to play and motioned to Kakashi to take a seat on a nearby bench.

Again, more silence.

“I took your advice,” Kakashi said quietly after the girl settled herself in a sandbox. His eye watched her play. “You know, that morning. The letter.”

Sakura took a sharp intake of breath. Her eyes focused on looking in front of her. Her hands clenched on her lap.

“Since that morning two years ago,” He began. Might as well get it all out there. He was never one to beat around the bush. “All I could do was think about getting better so you’d come back. I couldn’t believe that I had let something like alcohol take over me like that. I still can’t believe that I did what I did. All of those unspeakable things. It really got to me that I wasn’t only hurting myself, but I was hurting the one that I loved the most. The last thing that I wanted was to hurt you. And that’s exactly what I did.”

Kakashi paused, taking a deep, calming breath. This was proving to be harder than he thought. He turned to look at her. The only visible part of his face looked wan, tired. His age finally showed, as did the remorse in his eye. Hurt visible in the wrinkles framing that very eye. All Sakura could do was sit there in silence, taking in his words, letting them sink in.

Should couldn’t bare to look at him. Her jaw clenched as if she was battling with herself on whether to run, face him, or to cry.

“I’m not going to say that I am cured. I’m not going to ask you to take me back. What I did was inexcusable.” Kakashi continued. His voice was shaky. Sakura was shaking, too. Tears were forming over her green eyes, threatening to spill over. “What I am asking, is your forgiveness. I am asking that you take this as an apology. And if you chose to, to give me a chance to show you that I can be trusted again. I know you would most likely never be able to trust me again, but I want us to at least be friends again. I want us to start at the beginning. Start as friends, then hopefully we can work everything out. If you want to part ways forever, I can learn to accept that. Hell, I’d be surprised if you didn’t. I just need to know, and, if you wish, I will walk out of your life forever.”

At this point, the tears threatening to spill over fell freely down her cheeks and splashed against her clenched fists on her lap. Her shoulders shook as she fought back sobs. Sakura sat there in silence. Her lips parting every so often and then closing, as if she wanted to say something, but thought against it.

The girl stopped playing in the sand and half walked-half waddled to Sakura. “Momma….” she muttered, Kakashi’s eyes widened. There was no way… No way that she could be… Could there?

Sakura picked up the girl, placing her on her lap, she cooed, “Shh… Kisa, what’s wrong?”

The little girl looked up at her mother and asked “Why is Momma cwying?”

“Momma’s alright,” the pink-haired kunoichi said, smiling. She wrapped her arms around the small child and hugged her close. “Momma just needs to talk to your father for a bit.”

She looked up at Kakashi, letting him take in her last statement. She could see his jaw drop and his eye get bigger as he caught on.

Kisa nodded and looked at Kakashi with her big, green eyes then hopped off her mother’s lap and reached up and took Kakashi’s pinky and ring finger from his right hand and squeezed them slightly. She then turned and went back to the sand box.

“I wanted to tell you,” Sakura said, watching the girl go back to playing. “I had found out that day. I was so afraid. I’m sure you’d understand why.”

Kakashi did understand. And it made him even more upset about his actions. He was a monster. A demon. He didn’t deserve to live…. He needed to stop. This was why he started to drink in the first place; thoughts like these. He couldn’t think like that anymore.

This was definitely harder than he thought it would be.

“I wish you would have told me sooner.” He said in a small voice. “I would have been there. Or at least tried to be…” he couldn’t believe that he had a daughter. He didn’t know if he should be proud, scared, or to throw up in his mask. Maybe all three. Yeah, that sounded like a good idea.

“I’m sorry I kept her from you.” she said. “I just wanted her safe.”

Kakashi nodded. Fair enough.

They sat in more silence. The air around them thick with emotion.

“I still have your ring.” he said, taking out the simple band of rose gold from his pocket. “What do you want me to do with it?”

Sakura looked at the ring. Her lower lip caught between her teeth. She liked that ring. She liked what it had once symbolized. That’s why she had never asked for a divorce; she still hoped that things would get better.

“Keep it.” She said, “Keep it with you until we are able to work this out.”

Kakashi nodded, his fingers playing with the metal band.

“She needs a father…” another pause. “If you want to be part of her life, that’s fine. But only if I am there, too. We can take this a day at a time. I’m not ready to forgive you, but I am willing to give us a try again.”

Kakashi nodded, “One day at a time….”

Fin


End file.
